Day 37 – beautiful

15:42 Today I’m doing fantastically. Want to document that for the record. Wondering if I’m manic-depressive. Yesterday I felt hopeless, absolutely hopeless, even the smallest task was too much to manage, even went cruising the wine aisle in the grocery store looking for a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, but could not find it and did not want to ask, since it’s a small town. I think it’s absolutely brutal that the non-alcoholic beers and wines are completely mixed in with the alcoholic ones in the shops. I might one day get up the guts to make a suggestion that they change that, but yesterday was not the day. (i.e. If you are one of the very few fix-it-hat commenters out there, happening upon this blog, please don’t tell me I should. I already know I should. I do fight some battles. Just not all battles at once. Thank you and hugs from the tree. As for the rest of you, thank you so so very much for all of your beautifully “on the same wavelength” comments of solidarity. You are the bomb. Hugs and deep gratitude to you as well.)

I was in the pits of depression. The only reason I was out in the shops at that time was because I had to be.

Yesterday five viewers saw my pits of depression post (says the WP stats page) and my attempt to end that post cheerfully with a conversation with the Tree. I then unpublished it. None of those viewers had “liked” it anyway.  Funny hey? It’s always interesting to consume a post marked “depression” but we don’t really want to admit having consumed it. And after all, depression is inherently unlikeable. Or perhaps the person is, who has depression.

I unpublished it to protect myself and my sobriety. What I needed was support. I needed it desperately, desperately in that moment. However, I realized that I was going about it the wrong way.

Anyway, today I had some minor epiphanies. Also, I did my exercises. That is major major major. Not meaning major that I did them but meaning major for my mental health.

I did all the things I was supposed to do and then some. Creatively, the flow is on like a waterfall. Like literally insane. Or I should rather say, “sane” (whose root word means health). Health and vitality is flowing through me this day.

What changed things? Well, last night, alone and desperate and so very, very sad and empty, and yearning, and desperate, and self-loathing for all that weakness, and so ashamed of myself for being depressed, I went to the roots of my recent creative journey towards sobriety, i.e. the six months just before my current 37 days sober. At the beginning of that creative journey, on the blog I had started then, a sympathetic reader, riffing off a poem in my post, had made a very long comment based on an age-old motto:

God helps those who helps themselves.” And I thought that was a message from god, or tree, however you choose to see. And I was grateful to that person for channeling that thought at that time, so that I may see it later, at a more critical time.

So I began to help myself. After a good long sleep, that is.

Thanks for reading, hope you are well :))

xoxo stl

p.s. there was this post I saw about depression, last night, that seemed to have the symptoms I was experiencing completely nailed. Thought I would share it. Such an excellent post:

Symptoms of Depression

by Penny Wilson Writes.

Symptoms of depression (as taken from the above post):

  • Excessive sleeping (if it were possible)
  • Constant fatigue.
  • Disinterest in things that usually bring you joy.
  • Isolating yourself.
  • Lack of concentration.
  • Persistent thoughts of hopelessness, sadness, or emptiness.

[EDIT: changed title of post from Day 39 to Day 37, I had mis-remembered, lol]

xo stl

11 thoughts on “Day 37 – beautiful

  1. Happy to see you’re feeling better! I go through A LOT of ups and downs also, isn’t it strange? Try to get through the bad days and celebrate the good ones I suppose.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you’re having a good day. Have you always felt this way or could it be your brain constantly trying to realign from the variation in the amounts you drink or not. I suspect that is what is happening to me. That I’ve never given it time to fully adjust to being simply normal in terms of chemical intake.
    I do think however that many of us who are prone to alcohol abuse also suffer from anxiety and depression disorders. For me it’s OCD and I truly believe that I drank partly in a quest to quieten the negative obsessive thoughts that have plagued me all my life. I know I have to try and cope with my emotional make up in other ways but it’s not easy. I hope you continue to feel better. I’m hoping that being alcohol free will help me and I hope it will help you too x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I definitely agree that many of us who take issue with drinking may have been more prone to anxiety, depression, OCD… and I also think that is related to the fact that perhaps we are more sensitive and haven’t learned any other way of coping with that heightened sensitivity. For me at this point in my life I am happier without alcohol for sure. Likewise I hope it works for you too xo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Awe! I’m glad you are having a good day today! I saw your post late last night as I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my youngest daughter ( my girls are 15 and 16 years old. ) I told myself after she went to bed I would respond. It got late and I went to respond at 5:20am but saw it was not there anymore. I wanted to tell you I think it’s okay to have depressing days! I related to your post. I certainly have them. I used to have a couple drinks to knock the edge off of that but now I am dealing with it personally. It’s hard! Thank you for all your posts! The thing I love about your blog is you are real about good and bad days, we all have them but many only post about the good and “inspirational” ones! Have a great night!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, thank you so much! This means a lot to me! 💛🙏 I agree it’s okay to have depressing days. The world seems to tell us it’s not sometimes. But the beauty of that, I guess, is it gives us the opportunity to find our own way out, using our own inner guidance. Truly thank you for your kind words. They light up this moment for me!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hug.
    I have the same dramatic ups and downs. I shock myself. I do notice a huge hormonal connection and I try to track my period now.
    Give yourself time. Know emotional regulation takes time and practice. And talk to your doctor if you are severely down. I know I had severe depression that required medication.

    Liked by 1 person

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