15:42 Today I’m doing fantastically. Want to document that for the record. Wondering if I’m manic-depressive. Yesterday I felt hopeless, absolutely hopeless, even the smallest task was too much to manage, even went cruising the wine aisle in the grocery store looking for a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, but could not find it and did not want to ask, since it’s a small town. I think it’s absolutely brutal that the non-alcoholic beers and wines are completely mixed in with the alcoholic ones in the shops. I might one day get up the guts to make a suggestion that they change that, but yesterday was not the day. (i.e. If you are one of the very few fix-it-hat commenters out there, happening upon this blog, please don’t tell me I should. I already know I should. I do fight some battles. Just not all battles at once. Thank you and hugs from the tree. As for the rest of you, thank you so so very much for all of your beautifully “on the same wavelength” comments of solidarity. You are the bomb. Hugs and deep gratitude to you as well.)
I was in the pits of depression. The only reason I was out in the shops at that time was because I had to be.
Yesterday five viewers saw my pits of depression post (says the WP stats page) and my attempt to end that post cheerfully with a conversation with the Tree. I then unpublished it. None of those viewers had “liked” it anyway. Funny hey? It’s always interesting to consume a post marked “depression” but we don’t really want to admit having consumed it. And after all, depression is inherently unlikeable. Or perhaps the person is, who has depression.
I unpublished it to protect myself and my sobriety. What I needed was support. I needed it desperately, desperately in that moment. However, I realized that I was going about it the wrong way.
Anyway, today I had some minor epiphanies. Also, I did my exercises. That is major major major. Not meaning major that I did them but meaning major for my mental health.
I did all the things I was supposed to do and then some. Creatively, the flow is on like a waterfall. Like literally insane. Or I should rather say, “sane” (whose root word means health). Health and vitality is flowing through me this day.
What changed things? Well, last night, alone and desperate and so very, very sad and empty, and yearning, and desperate, and self-loathing for all that weakness, and so ashamed of myself for being depressed, I went to the roots of my recent creative journey towards sobriety, i.e. the six months just before my current 37 days sober. At the beginning of that creative journey, on the blog I had started then, a sympathetic reader, riffing off a poem in my post, had made a very long comment based on an age-old motto:
“God helps those who helps themselves.” And I thought that was a message from god, or tree, however you choose to see. And I was grateful to that person for channeling that thought at that time, so that I may see it later, at a more critical time.
So I began to help myself. After a good long sleep, that is.
Thanks for reading, hope you are well :))
p.s. there was this post I saw about depression, last night, that seemed to have the symptoms I was experiencing completely nailed. Thought I would share it. Such an excellent post:
by Penny Wilson Writes.
Symptoms of depression (as taken from the above post):
- Excessive sleeping (if it were possible)
- Constant fatigue.
- Disinterest in things that usually bring you joy.
- Isolating yourself.
- Lack of concentration.
- Persistent thoughts of hopelessness, sadness, or emptiness.
[EDIT: changed title of post from Day 39 to Day 37, I had mis-remembered, lol]