23:03/23 Things are going okay. I’m trying to sift through a lot of writing I did these past two weeks and for some reason felt uncomfortable publishing online. The publishing online was burning me out for a while (post-publish stress and all), not on this blog but other blogs mostly, and so now I’ve got this backlog of writing that didn’t get published anywhere and yet I feel it could be helpful to people and yet it’s time sensitive (contains phrases like “today I…” or “yesterday we…”) and I’m crap at editing my own work because I’m crap at making small decisions.
But what I learned from this period of time of not publishing anything (or well, not publishing much) is 1) it gets pretty confusing to have more than one blog when your subject matter seems to cross over anyway and 2) no matter what, I’m able to find something to whine about in my head (e.g. wah, I have fear of publishing, how on earth do I learn how to hit “publish” — that was me last year. Next it was “wah, I have blogging addiction, how do I stop publishing online and go back to journalling”— that was me the past seven or eight months. Now it’s “wah, I have all these journal entries that should really have been blog posts and now they’re just sitting there doing nothing”). Wah wah wah.
Ah, the joys of being ruled by ego. Moral: I might as well be stark raving happy right where I am. And think less about myself.
I do love journalling though and I’m really grateful for having done it. Those bits of writing no one sees, they still have value since it’s a healing kind of process for me and it makes me sane and able to function better in the world. It’s only ego and the inner critic that sometimes tell me they don’t matter.
Yesterday I feel really blah and awful, but after publishing that mini blog post I bucked up and wrote a gratitude list and a list of things I’d done. I realized I’d actually accomplished quite a few things, even in one lumpish day, that had value to me, even if not to anyone else. Too often I measure my accomplishments by what I imagine others around me might think. When I switch to the mode of not comparing myself to others, and not judging myself through a critical person’s eyes, I actually think I’m doing pretty okay.
Even though it sometimes feels challenging to not drink, when it is the norm to drink, especially when the sun comes out, I prefer not to drink, since it means that no matter how slow and lump things feel at times, I won’t have compounded them and/or set myself back further.
I wanted to say thanks to you for being supportive, it was really sweet to see that feeling of solidarity, I’m truly grateful for it. That’s why I’m here.
Lots of love,