Day 137 – notes

09:41. Trying to decide which to write about: the big family gathering I went to yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed without alcohol, or my obsessive-compulsive and anxious and worry-wort tendencies. Or the 10-minute meditation I had this morning, about five seconds of which were successful.

I have about 20 minutes before I’m back on duty for constant meal prep, cleanup and socializing again alongside my incredible-to-me-seeming husband (without whom I would not be able to take this time). I’ll try to tackle each in a two sentence paragraph.

Yesterday: The JOY of talking to a couple amazing people I have not seen in years, and one new one I have never before, and being able to concentrate completely, falling deeply into the conversation, without agonizing over the deeper desire to refill my empty glass. I had no glass. In a word: freedom.

OCO tendencies: My at-times-darling husband calls my issues Obsessive Compulsive Orderliness, instead of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a hard one to talk about, because I’m revealing a part of myself that is deeply embarrassing, because I’m ashamed of it. It reveals my deepest insecurities, egotistical and selfish tendencies. But if I look at it in a positive light, as my husband sometimes does, it also reveals a deep caring for everyone and everything. Flip sides of the proverbial coin.

Running out of time. And failed at two-sentence paragraphs. I suppose I will have to further elaborate later. Or learn to better practice minimalism.

Five-second success in meditation:

Sitting on wooden coffee table outside. Uncomfortable but at least flat and dry. Remembering my Sister, my Mother at the monastery, confiding to me that learning to sleep on a wooden board was hard at first. “But do you *really* sleep on wooden boards?” I asked her. “Yes,” she said.

She was such a friend to me in that moment, that five-minute talk we had. So human.

I remembered her words, felt the discomfort in my half-lotus, and fell into it, “noticing my suffering,” “without judgement.” My irritation at not being able to concentrate. At only worrying about the duties to come in this day.

Then I remembered to notice my breath. I had two breaths, in which I noticed that I was alive, an organism, like the young oak tree not far in front of me. I noticed a single leaf on that oak, the lobes of the leaf, the thin twiggy branch it was on.

I noticed that some leaves beside it, having already ripened, were growing thin and dry and light and ready to fall off, to eventually nourish the ground in their death.

I noticed that there were tiny nubs along the bare parts of the branch, hints of new life that may shoot forth.

Then I thought about writing that down, and the moment fell away. Like a dry, aged leaf. Which I spent the rest of my attempted-but-failed meditation silently mourning.

Mostly thinking of you. Hope you are well.

I am 13 minutes late… and grateful. Gosh I’m grateful for my life right now. Thanks to every kind and generous and forgiving person in it.

love, xo n/stl





8 thoughts on “Day 137 – notes

  1. There are so many areas in which we focus on the negative side of something but if you flip the coin you see the positive side. First example that comes to mind: we call a child ‘stubborn’ and forget that stubborness is persistence and a willingness to stand up for themselves, and how they will benefit from that trait later in life, if we help them shape that trait with wisdom and kindness instead of trying to eradicate it from them.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I really haven’t had anything to say. Previously I had been so obsessed on the daily number. I’ve been just going about my business and even forgot what number I am on. Yesterday I had to go back and count I believe day 16 😁

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Glad to hear it’s going so well! I feel the same about the number. Whenever I title a post I have to check the counter app to find out what day it is! 😁 I think it’s a good sign. 💓

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve not been doing any yoga or meditation so I’m impressed! Need to get back into it. It is liberating not to spend social occasions worrying about how full your glass is – I’ve really noticed that too!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your lovely comment! 😊I didn’t do my meditation this morning and missed it. Maybe I’ll do it before sleep instead. You’ve encouraged me! :))

      I used to not feel myself at a social function unless I had a drink in my hand. Definitely a liberating change!


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