06:21. Has been a while. Thought I would check in here with a little update. First, though strange to perhaps start off this way, I want to talk about weight. Weight that we carry in our souls vs weight that we carry on our bodies.
I have always “paid attention to” how much I weigh. That is a lovely French way of saying it: “Je fais attention.” Rather than “I’m on a diet.” Of course, not all French people are the same and there are different ways to play the same game. But there is this option that is more common than the other, to say, if/when refusing second helpings of food and drink and so on.
Amongst my neighbours is an amazing family that appears to have the balance of life down pat. They work hard, they play hard, they progress in life but yet still manage to connect with family and close friends. The kids and I used to spend a fair amount of our free time over there, and vice versa. Anyway –
where am I going with this. Got lost in a reverie and seem to be diverting from the point.
The point was that they appear to be very good at this tricky thing called moderation. For me that didn’t work out too well, when it came to booze. At least, I couldn’t moderate well enough for my own satisfaction.
I guess I wanted to have my “booze cake” and eat it too: I’d like to have the carefree joyful feeling I had when drinking, without the anxiety-ridden headaches of the following morning. But that was not possible. So here I am on a daily experiment to try life completely without it.
But sweets, on the other hand, seem to have become something I’m able to moderate (KNOCK ON WOOD). There is a jar of Nutella in the cupboard that has been there for a week. A pack of salmiak-salt licorice which still sits — whoops no, that one’s gone. Okay salt licorice is the one exception haha.
In the colder months I eat a bit more, which is normal for most humans, and in the warmer months I eat less. Perhaps that’s why when I step on the scale these days I’m five pounds heavier than I was at beginning of October. But here’s the thing, today I noted it in this one notes file that I keep which documents things like weight and exercise (I’m kind of OCO in many ways – that’s Obsessive Compulsive Orderly, for those who don’t know ;)), and saw that the last entry was during that time six weeks ago when my weight was lower. Though until now I hadn’t remembered why.
Glad I’d jotted it down. Was jolted to read what it said:
“[*weight that was 5 lbs less than I weigh now*] !!!!!!!!!
without effort. due to stress. life threatening stress since [——] and ramping up the week before. felt so sick with adrenaline and fear [that I was unable] to eat.”
Please forgive the way that is phrased; it’s from a private journal. First of all, we have to take “life-threatening” with a grain of salt. Though it’s not likely my life was actually threatened, that was how it felt at the time, due to my over-the-top anxiety. I remember calling my family because I thought it might be the last time I’d talk to them. I know that sounds crazy.
As my husband likes to quote from his favourite author, fear is the mind-killer. Anxiety had caused me to be flooded with fears that may or may not have been unreasonable but certainly, in some way, were related to my own actions and my own way of thinking.
As you can see by the number of exclamation marks, even in the aftermath of life-threatening-feeling stress, part of me was still thrilled to weigh less. lol.
Though I hadn’t noted anything further in that file until today, I do know a few things that have changed since then. In order to pare back the extreme fear and anxiety, I had to take a metaphysical version of the matrix’s “blue pill.” In other words, I had to CHOOSE to see the world as beautiful, positive, loving and trustworthy again.
Also, I had to start my old morning routine again. For my **mental** health more than anything else. Calisthenics, yoga sun salutation, and a short walk or run outdoors. It all takes around half an hour or not much more, and it’s broken into chunks (I usually do the calisthenics — situps, back crunches, pushups, leg lifts — and yoga sun salutation first thing after getting out of bed — takes about 15 minutes, then the walk with the kids just before school on school days — another 20-30 mins). Days off are different. Sometimes I walk on my own).
I dread exercise like there’s no tomorrow, but once it’s done it feels amazing to have done it. Kind of like writing.
Anyway. Point is this — first, weight truly is just a number. My jeans are still as comfortably loosened as they were six weeks ago. But somehow I’ve gotten stronger. And, according to the scale, heavier in the body. But my soul seems to have flown free. It’s a most amazing feeling.
I’m not saying every day is perfect — good heavens, far from it. And I still écoute a fair bit of background noise in the form of “Negative Radio Me.” But like the red-pill outlook, I try to keep it in the background as a kind of reality balance.
I know not everything is peachy in the world. Nor in me. But if we see unicorns walking, can’t we try to walk alongside them, rather than unconsciously chasing those states of mind that make us so ill we actually can’t eat, even if we try? (I know that probably sounds like a boon to some, but it’s not. It feels like you’re going to die.)
By the weigh (hehe), if you don’t already know of it, do check out Jameela Jamil’s amazing social movement @i_weigh on Instagram. Including the “stories” on that account (click the profile-photo circle). It’s not just about weight, it’s about everything that requires social change.
I’m rarely using Instagram these days (—like food, Instagram’s a drug I’m actually having success in moderating—) but yesterday I saw there were some great and important things @i_weigh’s story. Anti-racism/prejudice, LGBTQ tolerance/acceptance, all that good and necessary stuff for a more unicorny world.
(8 months 23 days alcohol-free)
p.s. Here’s a link to @i_weigh stories:
8 months 23 days alcohol-free