8+29 – night sky ponderings… xmas eve

23:22. Outside, the night is very clear… it’s nearly like a planetarium ceiling out there… I stand on the patio, after putting dying flowers on the compost heap… I can’t believe these flowers were bought 10 days ago… it seems emotionally like a decade, and yet only a day, at the same time… I truly live in a mostly present-feeling mindset… perhaps that’s for the best and actually it’s fulfilling my goals in some sense.

I have become so much like my dad… he would stand outside too, of a late evening, contemplating the universe and signs everywhere… he would spend much time alone, in a room full of books, but remain always available to us kids… except when he was drinking… he became so annoying… I can’t bear to speak ill of this person I love so much, admire so much; but my gods he was annoying when he drank… I truly couldn’t bear it. He became very overbearing… he became loud and not listening… all of his negative quirks came to the fore… my friends found him very entertaining of course; yes, he was a character at any party… but for me it was just old news, the philosophical preaching, his repetitive and slurry teaching of Gurdjieff, that we were all just here to push out shit to feed the moon…

“I don’t drink.” Who would have thought it… it’s weird really… tbh it was so much a part of who I was, for so many years…

So many things my dad did were good. Brings tears to my eyes to think of it, and to think of how I have just spoken of him… but truth is truth… he was and still is an amazing person and an amazing parent, and so I subconsciously associated amazing people and parents with being binge drinkers… it seemed that some of the most fun and interesting and eccentric people in my parents’ family and entourage were also drinkers…

Some years ago when I was pondering smoking and drinking, and why I did both… I realized it was connection… connection that I sought, connection with my innermost self, with god-love, with the core feelings of other human beings…

There was something else too. There was a desire to be the rebel, the outsider; literally, outside on the patio, smoking with the other “outsiders,” it was like a mark of a particular clan that I always and forever wanted to belong to… until I didn’t want to pay the price anymore. I’d become tired of the same old, same old; and of the suffering that went along with it. In the end, we were not rebels, but slaves to a different deity… the god of illusions. Here, drink this, thou shalt feel powerful and all mighty… fine print: though shalt look and act the raving fool on the hill…

I began to see that that rebel clan either quit the toxins or died…

Looking at the greats I adored… there again too, we can see… look, you burn that flame too quick, and then you die.

But every single cool person in my life or whom I admired, who quit smoking, who decided to give up booze… they became inspiration to me, fuel for my blue flame… the true flame of life.

To stop trading true blue life for a quick hot flame… to try one’s best to face it head on… without blinders, without the crutch of alcohol, cigarettes… all these things that take their toll. All these toxins that the advertising industry sold.

Outside, the night is clear… the Tree is bare… Orion is visible through its branches, in the south… the big dipper to the left, above the driveway, in the northeast… the little dipper an inversed pot above it, further north… Orion’s belt points down to a very bright being in the sky, twinkling all colours… I don’t know if it’s a planet or a star… very very bright, just above the valley, and just above a small hamlet on the crest of hills facing us. The hamlet is lit in a glow of yellow from their streetlight… oh little town… so still… so peaceful…

There is no one else here on the patio to enjoy it… no revellers, no old fellow-sneaky-smokers… just the Tree, the wind making music with the chimes… and perhaps Kris Kringle there flying in his sleigh. How did that guy get everything done so early? Probably by not drinking… ;))

As I write this now, it suddenly occurs to me that in the past, I would not have seen this sight without a smoke in one hand and a glass of wine in the other… but here I am, empty-handed, looking at the night sky, on a regular basis… without any craving for those old drugs. I still crave connection… I sometimes achieve the true connection I crave by communing with Tree… but it’s still rare.

In the meantime I appreciate you all… the living trees of wordpress… a great green oasis of calm. It’s like a connective balm.

Oh my. Huge yawns are coming on. I am tired. But the stockings are filled, a few gifts under the tree… and when I wake, I will be hangover-free. That thought fills me with quiet glee.

xo n/st


40 thoughts on “8+29 – night sky ponderings… xmas eve

  1. beautifully put and i love the part about being a rebel and all that it has wound up meaning in the end..ty…i am alone this year for the holidays and this post makes me feel ok about that:)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Now that you’re a non-drinker, you’re *really* an outsider. I’ve been quite a hermit since I quit drinking (4 years ago). Last week I went to a party and as the night wore on I was surprised to see how voices thickened with alcohol, how reactions slowed. I’m now so freaking sober, I don’t like being around drinking any more. I guess my parties will be coffee gatherings.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like to sit outside and stare at the stars on our โ€˜sunโ€™ loungers. Really theyโ€™re my star loungers. Saw a shooting star the other night, and a satellite.
    Itโ€™s quite magical to think how we all look up at the same sky and ponder the universe together.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. ๐Ÿ’›โœจYes, they are rare to see here too. I canโ€™t remember the last time I saw one.
        There are no mosquitoes this year so thereโ€™s less rush to go back inside. Itโ€™s a cool summer with no humidity.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful post my lovely friend.
    I feel we are rebels now because we wonโ€™t conform to the pressure of drinking. Iโ€™m sending you Christmas love and hugs over the miles.
    Claire xx ๐Ÿ˜˜

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Fantastic. I can almost see the stars with you. In my foggy city, there are few stars. Sigh. Yes, I think so many of us that drink, smoke and do drugs to excess are attracted to the cool, rebel side of things. I know I am/was. But I love the idea of those cool rebels becoming inspirational in a healthy and beautiful way after choosing another path. Love it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Dear Ms New Leaf (love the name! ๐ŸŒฟ๐Ÿ˜Š)… thanks so much for reading… congrats on your 33 days ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ™Œ… so grateful for your lovely comment. Very much appreciated. ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ™

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I’ll take this as another reminder that I need to stop living so “fast”. Lol! Still can’t get over that feeling of always having to be busy and stimulated by something.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. What a wonderful post to read this morning. I really love the connection you have with the outside and how well you can convey it so well, just like we are looking at it too! I sure hope your Christmas went awesome and your NYE does as well!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. wowowow ! Empty handed, free, staring at the sky: this is true rebellion ! These days, feels like the same old same old smoking/drinking combo is the new uncool ๐Ÿ™‚ Anyway, I’ll take a cool night looking up at a starry sky over rock n’roll cool anytime. Also: Your dad seemed like a very cool guy. And you are a very cool human. And very very warm too !!! Happy boxing day ๐Ÿ˜‰ xoxo Anne โค

    Liked by 3 people

  9. That phrase about pushing out shit to feed the moon, that was a corker I’d not encountered before! ๐Ÿ˜€ I serendipitously read this after musing about my own non-drinking reasons. Your writing was so much more interesting. You have such a knack for capturing a moment, a mood. Makes my heart happy. All the best for the New Year, Nads. โค

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know right? My dad is a true original. DB, your super kind words mean a lot, and are a huge encouragement… as you know, I think your own writing is brilliant. All the best to you too. โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Nothing is better and more fulfilling than self-awareness and awakening ๐Ÿ‘ that’s the way to go dear. I am glad you enjoy the night sky. In the past week, I have been enjoying it too late night past 2am, in a effort of enjoying the Gemini showers. Stay strong.. Lots of love and ๐Ÿค— ๐Ÿค—

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! star watching till past 2am, gemini showers… on top of everything else you have going on… Joseph, you are quite a guy. Very inspiring. Thanks so much for visiting here, always glad to see you. Hugs and love, and happy new year’s eve xoxox ๐Ÿค—โค๏ธ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is always a pleasure dear and star watching is worth it. It relaxes my mind and Happy happy New Year too Nadine. Have a great one with lots of love and great wishes ๐ŸŽŠ ๐ŸŽŠ ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Beautifully written…I often find I prefer nature to people, especially now that I don’t drink. But finding true connection is definitely the hard part. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love the way you say this… both about preferring nature to people, now that you don’t drink, and also about finding true connection being the hard part… this hits exactly in the tough spot I’m in. I crave the true connection constantly but have a hard time accessing it lately. I really appreciate your comment. Thank you so much. ๐Ÿ’š

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Just catching up with some of the festive posts and what you say about the rebelliousness of quitting is exactly how Iโ€™m now seeing it. Itโ€™s cool to be sober, bucking the trend. Am I the the new Jim Dean, Rebel without a Pint? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 3 people

  13. Happy new year Nadine! Nature is the best and I could see you there looking up at the stars. So many stars here in Northumberland (fewer people!). I feel Iโ€™ve met your dad from how you write about him – itโ€™s ok to say the negatives about people we love – I was struck by how hard it was for you but you got there. ๐Ÿ’ž Somehow I think my girls would say similar about me and that makes me even more glad Iโ€™ve stopped drinking. Yes we are the new rebels with our very own Jim Dean with a cause! I actually think governments like the fact that people spend their leisure time intoxicated as it stops us complaining and protesting about all the crap! ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Absolutely agree about the govts. Have long thought so (thanks in large part to my dad, there’s definitely a conspiracy-theorist bent in this bod ;)).

      As for the rest… what a wonderful comment. Brought a bit of a tear to my eye – again. You have a way of completely understanding… and reflecting something I can’t quite see for myself, as well as inspiring. I appreciate it very much. I know I keep saying it, but… I think your clients are very lucky.

      Happy new year, dear DGS. โค๏ธ


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