Night 16/17 – blog thoughts & nostalgia

01:17. It’s after midnight and I can’t sleep now. Why is that? I’m not cut out for this. For what? For sobriety? For life? For loving? For blogging? No… none of those… I’m not cut out for prescribing things for myself online that I feel I then need to follow.

Oh I don’t know what I’m not cut out for.

I miss the tree, so much. It was real, a real entity. As much as that sounds crazy, it was true… and I miss it so much. I miss the sounds of the night back there, too.

It became my home. Did I leave my heart over there? No. It’s here somewhere, it’s here with my family. But it’s like part of it is missing.

I actually have tears in my eyes as I write this.

But this 12 steps thing… I can’t do this online. It’s such a personal thing, in my view, I don’t know if anybody can.

After I published that last post, I lay in bed awake, thinking, what am I doing? Another blogger I recently read, one of my favourites, not sure if she wants to be named, had written that she didn’t feel qualified.

I thought that too, when I went to bed. I thought, what am I even doing here? On this blog? It makes no damn sense. And am I allowed to swear? And if I do, shouldn’t it at least be in a way that’s grammatically correct? Lol. The questions that make me laugh. Laughing is the best. It’s honestly one of the only things that matter.

When I drank wine, I relaxed. I laughed… a lot. I laugh just thinking about it now. I went from being that mom at the dinner table always going “sit up straight, chew with your mouth closed, elbows off the table”… etcetera, etcetera… x4 kids; repeat ad infinitum… to just going with it, and having a grand old time.

Anyway… I still quite honestly prefer the high I get from non-toxic sources. And I’m not sure I can achieve that while blogging about it online.

[blinking cursor…

…hovers over publish button…]



The 12 steps, if anyone wants to try them on their own:
(Replace words liberally and/or as necessary. Good for any number of addictions. :))

02:26. that’s a fuck of a lot of blinking cursor…

10 thoughts on “Night 16/17 – blog thoughts & nostalgia

  1. Hey you! You have had my heart from day 1 of me and my alcohol journey. I think you have to do what’s best for you. I totally understand wanting to do the 12 steps privately. I just blogged this morning and said to myself “Who the hell is going to care about that Jackie?” I realize I do a lot of second guessing but I ended up hitting submit. The one thing I miss from drinking is that happiness/laughter you mentioned, it takes me to another place in a very busy life I live. I know that’s what draws me to it, but then again I will just keep wanting that feeling more once I start. I am still in my “Limbo land” blog. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I think your an awesome person and maybe blogging everything isn’t for you, I sure would fucking miss you though! ❤️ Love my swearing? 😂 Anyway I sure hope you have a fantastic day! I’m at work ( supposed to be working 🤣) and so I better get going! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gal… I am in the middle of oatmeal prep right now and so, so grateful for your comment which made me laugh out loud. 😂 Huge thanks to you. 🙏💗 As I (think/hope) I keep saying, I never would have made it that first year without you and a few others. I have some very mixed-up positive and negative associations with this blog that I haven’t found a way to talk about yet, but it prevents me from feeling spiritually free here most days. It’s got nothing to do with the sober community. Anyway, thanks for being such a love and light on a beautiful Tuesday. Hugs to you. 🤗🌻🤩👯‍♂️💛

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My own blog is generally a stream of consciousness whenever the inspiration moves me.
    I do like to be able to go back and read my thoughts. It has helped me over the years. I can’t believe I have been doing this for 7 years…

    The blogging community gives me love and support and a reminder that even if our problems are specifically different, inside we all just want to feel connection and kindness and love. To feel we are ok, however we are, and that we belong. Not because we confirm, but because we are deserving and worthy even when we don’t.

    I know it is easy to think that a few drinks make one a lighter, less stressed person. It isn’t true. As a child, a person who has had a few drinks is erratic. They are self focused, and they respond differently.

    This is what my own kids tell me, and what I have seen.

    Don’t underestimate just how bright, amazing and free your sober personality is. It just needs time.

    Hugs and love


    Liked by 3 people

    1. I agree with all you’ve said Anne. And coming from 7 years of sobriety the wisdom and perspective is massive. “Don’t underestimate just how bright, amazing and free your sober personality is. It just needs time.” I love that line. I just keep thinking of Brene Brown and her 23 (or maybe now 24) years. This the future-thought-style I tuck inside my mind. Huge thanks to you for the affirmation/confirmation. It is super helpful. 🙏💗

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I missed your last post.
    I can only say, bravo. You were honest and apologized to you kid.
    That is the best lesson I have learned as a parent. I can also apologize.

    My mother has never once apologized. At 81 she is never wrong and is the most unpleasant person. I am grateful I am not like that.

    Be proud of yourself.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow…. that is very difficult. I know someone who seems completely incapable of apologizing. It’s very challenging to deal with, especially if one’s the type to be over-compensating in that department (as I tend to be). Thanks for the bravo. 😊💕 But it was just common sense to me. Glad my kid was so sweet and understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Your example of the mom at the dinner table, that is 100% me and I hate it, I hate how uptight I am, I hate how annoyed I get at their obnoxious kid silliness and messes. When I drink, I care less about that stuff. But then I am usually a moody, snappy wreck the next day. And somehow, at some point, I would like to get to the point where I don’t need a drink to relax when the kids are being annoying.
    -Written the day after I literally got up and left the table during my daughter’s 10th bday dinner because the kids were smearing chocolate pie on their faces. Hilarious to them but I didn’t want to say something uptight. At least I didn’t drink. Thought about it though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right??? The thing is though that I do feel manners (or just knowing them and practicing them most of the time at least) are important. Kids need to know them, to realize that we are part of a community and need to be conscientious of others, and also that knowing customs helps us to have more opportunities. I think if we are coaching their behaviour and not coming down on their personality it’s really ok. Being sober helps with that, big time. I’d rather be a sober annoying life coach than an unpredictable overgrown kid at the table.
      Smearing cake on their faces… well, I can understand leaving the table if that would happen… probably you did the best thing possible. That’s another thing your comment reminds me of, we have to care for our sobriety. Each of us is faced with different circumstances. All we can count on is our inner guides, and when in doubt, pause and realign. I so much appreciate your comment. Thank you 🙏👌

      Liked by 1 person

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